How to Fight Fair

Guys, Church, I'm so excited for everything that's happening and everything that's been taking place and, excited for the future and what God is doing. We we've been in a series that we just started called us, and we believe every relationship has a next level. Whether you're married, whether you're getting married, whether you're just your relationships and our relationship with God, that every relationship that we have has a different place that we should go to, that it shouldn't stay stagnant, shouldn't stay in the same place. And we're in week two of how to fight fair. How do you fight fair in relationships? Because I don't know about you.

Have you ever had a fight in your relationship? I mean, I know none of you have but me, but, no one's ever had a fight in your ever. I was literally at a sushi restaurant last night, I even made a video for the church about how to fight fair. And then we get in a fight at the restaurant. It was just a video, and then it and, you know, now we're, you know, we're trying to order sushi, and then I order sushi, and then my wife tells me, like, hey. How come you're eating so fast?

And then I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, that's what you told me last time we were here. And I was like, what are you talking about last time we were here? When were we here last time? Like three months ago? What do you mean?

You remembered something that I said that you didn't like, like three months ago? Now you're telling me? What's going on? And all of a sudden, we're you know, you're in this fight. You don't even know how it started. What's going on?

How does this happen? I don't know about you. Has it ever happened to me or you? It happens. Sounds familiar? And, you know, fighting is not the problem.

The problem is we've never taught how do you fight fair. Like, I don't know about you. I grew up in a divorce home, so I never have seen a husband and wife relationship. No one for a lot of us, no one's ever seen how do you do life in a long term relationship. And what we have to do is realize that a lot of us were raised a certain way that probably wasn't the way we should have been raised. And there was a lot of times you just repeat what you've learned.

You know, men repeat, you know, how your dad was. You know, I I grew up, I'll never be like my dad. And then you realize, man, I'm just like my dad. What's going on? You know, and you see this physically, you see this with your kids, they look just like you, and then you could see they act like you, have the same temperament like you. And so we pass these things down, this culture, this this life that we live into each other.

And the only way that's gonna change is when we get back to what did God say, what does he say about relationships, What what is the right way to fight fair? Because we are gonna fight. We are gonna rub each other the wrong way. I think this is the whole reason why the scripture talks about love and needing to to walk in love and live in love and be in love. I've shared this before, but I played basketball in bible college at a bible college. And we started off o and seven.

O and seven. I don't know about you. I never played on a losing team, so I was not happy. And so we would be on a bus, and you would have the whole team against each other, mad at each other, upset with each other. We're a bible college about Jesus. And they got you got the the tall players like me and that were taller versus the smaller, shorter players like you that are sitting in the chairs, And we were all riding to from a game or after a game, and we're all mad at each other and fighting against each other, and we're losing.

We're o in seven. And our pastor, or I would say our coach, coach Lance Ivy, some of you met him. He's been here in the past or at our old church I had. And he said, hey, guys. I had a vision from the Lord that we're playing a team in green at the end of the year. We're in the championship game, and we're gonna lose unless something changes.

And so then what he did is before every practice, which was every day, the first thirty, forty minutes of practice was prayer. And actually reading first Corinthians 13, the love chapter, and us memorizing it. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious. Love is not jealous.

You know, because all that's happening. Love doesn't oh, he elbowed me. Oh, I'm mad at him. Especially the lady side. Oh, man. They hold on to everything even longer.

Guys, we get over it after the practice, but the girls, I'd see like a month long. Oh, she did that in the practice. And we had to really transform our mindset and really live out the scripture. And it changed everything. At the end of the year, we're in the state we're in the national championship game playing against the green team, and we win. And we don't win unless we learn to love each other and walk in love with each other and learn to how to fight fair in the context of the team and our relationships.

Sound familiar? So the thing is conflict is never the enemy because you're gonna have conflict. The question is when you have it and when it comes, how do you actually do it in the right way? Cause it's not me versus you. It's us versus the problem. Amen?

It's not me versus you. It's us versus the problem. So every relationship has a next level, and what you do the next time you're in a fight with somebody you love. Because I don't know about you, all of us are probably just like me last night. You get in fights with the ones that you love the most. It's amazing.

Well, this happened in the book of beginnings, Genesis chapter three verse 16. The scripture says to the woman, he said, I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing. In pain, you shall bring forth children, and your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you. Okay? Now this verse is not God's design. This is God describing the damage of what the fall, what happened when sin came to this world and corrupted everything.

And again, guys, the concept or the context of this message us and everything that we end, we live in a fallen world. All the relationships, everything we've been born into is sin. It's corrupted everything. It was never really the way God designed, and that's why we need Jesus. He's the savior. That's why when we come to him, we got to get born again, we get a new spirit.

That's why in Romans 12, says, present your bodies to him as a holy living sacrifice and renew your mind with the word, because we have a culture and a way we've been brought up, and we've been living in this fallen world for so long that's been passed down. It's the default system. And what we have to do is be transformed. We have to live differently, which is very hard because the flesh wants to do what the flesh wants to do. It wants to eat the whole bag of candy. It wants to eat all the Oreos.

It wants to eat all the time. The flesh wants to do whatever it wants. The flesh wants what the flesh wants. Right? And so you're not really fighting about dishes, you're fighting about who's in charge. Right?

And so conflict isn't the problem. Contempt is. So here's the first thing I want you to hear. The presence of conflict in your relationship is not evidence of failure. Just because there's conflict doesn't mean we're failing. Look how actually Paul addressed anger in Ephesians chapter four verse 26 through 27.

It says he says, be angry and do not sin, and don't let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil. Now notice what Paul does not say. He does not say don't be angry. He doesn't say don't be angry. He says be angry, but in anger don't sin. See, anger itself isn't the sin.

God built you with the capacity to feel it, but it's what do you do with it when you're in the battle, when you really get angry. Right? Which is amazing to see. It says be angry. It doesn't say don't be angry. Be angry, but do not sin, which is difficult.

I don't know about you because when I get angry, like because I'm a really calm person Until you get pushed and then you and then when I flip the switch of anger, that's when it gets bad if you don't control it in the right way. And that's where people can get hurt. So the goal isn't zero conflict. The goal is fighting fair. What do I do when I'm in this angry situation? How do I, when I'm in it, not sin?

Right? Because what happens is when we're when I'm angry or when you're angry and you're in a you're angry with the person you love, you're in this conflict, and in the anger is when you then all of a sudden you disrespect them or degrade them or put them down. And now it gets into sin because of that, the disrespect inside the fight. And so the real issue isn't how you treat each other while you disagree. No, it is the issue. It's how you treat each other while you disagree.

Because you will disagree about what kind of food, what kind of vacations to take, how to spend money, all that. You will disagree on all kind of that. All of us were raised a different way. We all have a different family we came out of. Some of us came out of poor family, so you save everything. Some of you came out of rich family, so you just spend and it doesn't matter because you just got a constant flow of money that just flows in by the magical ferry, and and you just don't care.

And so we all have these different perspectives of life that we live in, And so the the issue is how do you treat each other while we are in disagreement? How do we do that? Because the fight is not the enemy. Contempt is the enemy. The fight is not the enemy. Contempt is the enemy.

So you're not fighting your spouse, you're fighting for your marriage. Amen. That's why when we were playing basketball, we had to get over like all this tit for tat stuff and this conflict because then we were gonna lose games. But the moment we fell in love and got in the unity and let the love flow and believe the best in people and then try to control every everything, and even when we punched each other or hurt each other, we would forgive each other and not remember it, and we would move on. And then we get better over time and build as a team. So even in your marriage, in your family, in your life, in your relationships, you know, the more you put this in it, and that's what I learned when I was there.

Every day, we put this first. Every day before practice, we read this. Got first Corinthians 13, love in our hearts for each other. So then whenever the fights come or the disputes comes, we knew how to actually do it in the right way. And then we started to win. I want you to win.

I want your marriage to win. I want you to win in your relationships. I want you to win with your relationship with God because you're not really fighting about the dishes. I know that's the big point. Who has to do the dishes? Let's go back to Genesis three sixteen, the dynamic, because I want you to see it clearly in your own own life.

Most fights are not actually about the surface topic, the dishes, the money, the in laws, the tone of it's the delivery system. It's not the disease. So think of this. Almost every reoccurring fight in relationship is one of two things. Somebody feels controlled or somebody feels unheard. That's what happens.

Genesis three sixteen playing out in real time, the ancient tug of war between control and partnership running four thousand years later in your living room. Church, hear me. You cannot win a fight. You don't understand. You gotta understand why do I think this way? Why am I built this way?

Why is this how I my mindset? Because you don't have twenty more years to waste on a fight that you haven't diagnosed. You keep solving the dishes and the fight comes back in a different costume. Okay. We agree on who does the dishes. But then there's another fight.

This is dressed in a different way. So you're not really fighting about dishes. You're fighting about who's in charge. Right? Who's in charge? And that's actually about what we're talking about.

Or is one of us trying to win control and the other one's trying to be hurt? So that just takes honesty. You know, I love in first Corinthians or Ephesians five, it says submit one to another in love. You know, submission's not an agreement. You're not gonna agree on everything. You submit one to another in love in the Lord.

And so I'm not gonna agree on what sushi roll we go or what restaurant we go to all the time. And a lot of times, that's just the the life of love that we live. Like, my wife I work from home most of the day, and I just make appointments because that's what I do as a pastor. I work all day in the church. I meet with people all day. My wife drives to Naples, then she drives back.

So my thought is, okay, if she work she's driving two three hours every day and working. When she comes home, she is so excited if there are no dirty dishes in the sink. Like, it's like I could've given her a million dollars. And the days that they're dirty and it's messy, I know she's it just because, you know, she's I'm but what I try to do okay. I'm gonna just do the dishes because I wanna serve her because I love her. Now I could say, she could do the dishes.

And sure, she can do the dishes. It's fine too. But I think if we because here's the thing. If you win an argument, you both lost at the end of the day because you're on a team. And so if I win the argument and if I'm right and she lost or if she's right and I lose, we both lost still at the end of the day. And so stop fighting the costume.

Name what is actually underneath it. You know, it's it's and you're really not fighting about dishes. You're fighting about who's in control. And then others, the fight is, man, you're not hearing me about what I'm trying to say or what's going on in my life. And a lot of times, we've never even just sat down and just talked about life because you as a guy or you I've met women that they your family grew up, and they never talked about issues out loud ever. And I'd have women in my office crying because they wanna have a baby, but they would never even say that out loud in their home.

So then they get married, and they're married ten, fifteen years later, and they never had that conversation before they got married. And now the husband grew up as one of eight, and he doesn't ever wanna have kids because he doesn't like how his dad was towards him, and he doesn't wanna be like that towards his kids, so he doesn't wanna have any kids. And there was never a conversation because of how people were raised. And now you got all this hurt because no one's talked. And so this is not easy relationships. It's nice.

But it shouldn't be this hard, and it's not gonna stay this way. Amen. So let me talk about some rules of engagement. Let me give you four rules that I see in scripture because I think I wanna get practical because we can talk and laugh, and and we all know we're in the same boat and different places in our life. But Paul actually gives a playbook about how to do this. Look at Ephesians four twenty six, 27, 29 to 32.

I'm gonna just read it. It says, be angry and do not sin, and do not let the sun go down in your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Give no opportunity to the devil. It's interesting. Look at what it says. This is Paul talking to the church.

So this is for women. This is for men. Let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths, but only such as it is good feel building up as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the holy spirit of God by whom you were sealed on the day of redemption. But let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one another.

Be tenderhearted towards each other, forgiving one another as God and Christ forgave you. So again, this is the four rules of engagement you get just from this. The four rules of fighting fair. Alright? Rule number one, don't let it sleep don't sleep over it. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

See, unresolved anger doesn't get resolved. It recruits. If you don't resolve anger, it starts recruiting itself. It's like it goes out and gets more players. You know? Oh, yeah.

You you said that months ago and what? There was something there. We haven't resolved it yet. You see? So the little foxes that spoil the vine. It's the little cuts that just keep adding up.

And it's the things that and I and I'll tell you, I I I know this from my past marriage when I was really young. There was things that we should have dealt with that we never dealt with. But I had the word. I had the presence of God. But then there's issues you just don't deal with. And what you learn is, hey, and this happens in the church context, if there's problems in the church with things that are going on, you gotta deal with those issues.

If you have a business and the employee's late all the time, you don't talk about it, what happens? It starts to fester, and one day you just wanna slap them and throw them out. Right, Debbie? Because you were the right hand of the left. So, you know, and and and and, you know, and so all in all areas, teams, church, relationships, if there's things that you don't confront and deal with in love, it'll just keep festering and boiling over and it becomes an issue and a problem. And you could try to just say, oh, and I know what happens.

We don't wanna deal with it. We're so exhausted and tired. We just don't wanna deal with it. We just hope it goes away. But if you don't deal with it, it's just the devil has an opportunity to get in to your church, to your family, to your marriage, to everything, your relationships. So it says, don't let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.

At the end of the day guys, that means you gotta deal with things. Now and when I fight with my wife because we have fights, it's not good to try to resolve at that moment because when she's angry, you gotta let her cool down. There ain't no trying to talk. She's gotta cool down because she's way up here. She's mad. But then once she comes down, and that might be a day, maybe a day later, then there's a time to have a normal conversation, address things, or to talk about what happened because she's just so high.

I'm different. I'm more phlegmatic. I'm real low key. You know, which means I just wanna not even deal with this. So it's easy just like, let's not deal with it and move on. But in the end, it's not the good way either.

I've learned the hard way. I wanna be divorced again. It's not worth it. Divorce is horrible. And and so it says don't it says don't let the sun go down on your anger. Give no if you don't deal with the things, you have opportunity for the devil to come in.

See, this is what happens. You don't deal with that stuff, and your wife goes to work or your husband goes to work for eight hours a day, and now there's someone that's super nice to them all the time. And you've got all these unresolved issues that you don't talk about, but now you're there at work and there's someone that was willing to talk to them and talk to you about what you're going through. Right? And what have and this is one way the devil can have opportunity. Oh, you're not unified right now?

Oh, because and then you know what the scripture says when there's no unity, it says there's every evil work. Don't don't let it sleep over. Don't don't don't just let things just I don't resolve by it won't. It's like it's like me buying a gym membership and thinking I'm gonna get into shape. If I don't go to the gym every day and do the hard things that I hate doing, then I don't get better. I don't get stronger.

But I got the gym member. I got married, and we won each other at the altar, and then we move on to the careers, and we move on to everything else to conquer those things, and then we lose the very best thing that we fell in love with at the beginning. Because when it's time to fight and when anger comes in and there's these situations that you disagree on, we choose not to talk about it, then the devil comes in. So Paul said, be angry but do not sin. So anger is gonna come. And just because there's a fight doesn't mean you failed.

It just means there's contempt and there's things that we gotta deal with. Someone's not feeling heard. Someone else feels controlled, and we gotta talk about these things. And we gotta come together in unity, and and and we're not always gonna agree on everything. But with love, you can do anything. The the second rule is attack the problem, not the person.

Attack the problem, not the person. Look at it says here in verse 29, it says, let no corrupt talk come come out of your mouth, but only such as good for building up. Now I have to admit, there's been times when I've spoken in anger, and it was not building up. I've done it with my kids. I've done it with my wife. And you know what I've done?

I'd humble myself and go apologize later. And that is so hard because pride and they're wrong. And I'm right. That's right. I'm right. And maybe I am right, but I was wrong in what I said or how I said it, in the tone that I've said.

And that's why the scripture says in the second rule, when you attack the problem, let no corrupt talk come out of your mouth. Not only such only such that it's good for building up. Right? So our conversations, our words should always be building up. See, there's a difference between I feel hurt when this happens and you always do this. You never, you always I mean, those are just horrible words to use.

Trust me. I would it's better to say, hey, in this moment, I feel like this Because it's like we just throw out these you are always a horrible you know, wait a minute. Always? Now wait a minute. 99% of the time, it's good, but in this moment, I'm bad, but I always and I never take out the trash. I do take out the trash.

I always take it out, but if I missed one week, you never take it. And we just blanket bomb statements that really are just bad. Instead of just saying, hey, in this moment I really feel this way. I feel like you didn't pay attention or I feel whatever it is, I feel hurt when this happens, but you always do this. See, fair fighting stays focused on the issue. Unfair fighting goes for the person and their character.

Their past, their family, their worst moments. Oh, this is why the worst moments we throw bomb. We you know, we just reach back into the bag. Let's choose the worst moments of their life, their father, their mother, their sisters. They're man, I'm a throw Boom. I got them.

Yeah. And we just use it. See, fight the problem, not the person. What's the problem we're dealing with? Identify it. It's this or that.

I don't know. We know we're both working or, you know, and I want more of this or that or whatever the problem is. Let's figure out the problem and not attack the person. And it's so hard to do sometimes. But that person is the one that you fell in love with and married. Right?

I'm talking to a lot of married people or the one you might marry in the future. So don't fight the person, fight the problem. They were once so perfect in your eyes and everything there, they could do no wrong. I remember my wife. When I first met my wife, thought she was just perfect. She was so calm.

And then I I understood what bravo was in Portuguese. Anger. Oh, you seen a Brazilian get angry? It is not a good day or a good week or a good month. I'll pay gold bars to just remove that that everything. Yeah.

Anyways, this is a joke. It's not a joke. It's true. Because all of us have anger, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. But what do you do when you're angry? Are you just disrespectful and, well, that means there's things you gotta work on and grow in.

Welcome to the club. We all gotta grow and make adjustments, and sometimes that means admitting and just saying, I'm sorry. I gotta do better. God, I'm sorry. And sometimes we gotta apologize to each other. I mean, that's what James says.

It says, you you talk to God to get forgiveness, but then it says, when confess your sins one to another, it says, then you'll be healed. And that's this this type of relationship. A lot of times in your with your parenting or the person you're married to or the person in your relationship, you might have to, hey, confess your sins to them. Man, I was tired. I was angry. I said things I shouldn't have.

I'm sorry. Right, honey? And when she says, sorry, I get that on video and I no. Just kidding. Oh, male devs. Hallelujah.

Oh, Lord, let's pray in the spirit right now. Let's let your anointing come. Let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Don't go home and say, you heard what pastor Erik said. Don't do that. Don't just let the holy spirit don't use me as a lever and as a weapon in your marriage, please.

This might be the last time I ever see you guys. You know? I I ain't going back. Then now you use me in your three point message at home. Well, pastor Erik said pastor Erik said, you know, it's this is what the word says. I'm just the messenger.

This is Paul writing to the church because the church, no one's perfect. We're all growing. We have to keep growing. We have to go to the next level. Right? So attack the problem, not the person.

The the third rule, remember who else is in the room. There's someone else in the room. The holy spirit's in the room. The holy spirit's in your house. The holy spirit's in you. And he says when the corrupt communication comes out, it says then you grieve the Holy Spirit.

I don't know about you. I've grieved the Holy Spirit many times in my life, and I've had to say, God, forgive me for grieving you because I acted that way or did those things or talked in that way or got so angry. I mean, you could feel when you've grieved the Holy Spirit in your house. Right? It's like we need to put some worship music on. We need to get the oil and spray it all over the house.

We need to wash all the clothes and oil cause the Holy Spirit's grieved. There's another person in the room, we forget about it, but God's in you. Christ is in you. He's in us. Right? But we still have this flesh in this mind that we gotta keep purposely, intentionally, fight for our marriage, fight for our relationships, and fight to die to the self that wants to control everything or or be in contempt with everything.

And we wanna, and now we have all this wiring of our past and the way we were raised that we have to continually break free from. This mentality we have. I remember my grandparents, multimillionaires, worked for Shell Oil, chemical engineers, spoke multiple languages. I'd be you know, they would still make their I mean, millionaires, multimillion, millions of dollars. And they'd be on the phone, and they'd be like, oh, back in the days when you had, like, the minutes on your phone, and they'd be like, oh, you're running out of minutes. We gotta call you later.

I mean, it was like they're making their clothes, and they had this mentality that they were because they came out of the Great Depression. My grandfather grew up in the Great Depression where they lost everything. So he's got all this money, but he's still, at different times, acts like he's poor. I'm like, bro, we could stay on the call one more minute. You know, you're gonna hang up. You're worried about something?

I mean, got millions. This is another 30¢ that they charge. I don't know. But his mentality was they're in the Great Depression still, but we're not. They're not. There are millions, multi million.

I mean, unbelievable. And so we've gotta change. We've gotta fight to change. I mean, the end, Rick Warren. I don't know if you heard of Rick Warren. Rick Warren wrote The Purpose Driven Life.

I mean, amazing church. And if you don't ever heard his story, his first five years of marriage, he had to put go to counseling and he put it on a Mastercard to pay for it because he didn't have the money. And he jokes about how he could do a commercial for Mastercard because he didn't have he was a poor little pastor, but he put his counseling on Mastercard to save his marriage. His first five years of marriage were horrible. I mean, this is a great pastor. Wrote a great book.

Bro, his first five years were horrible. Horrible. He had to learn. He had to get help. Maybe sometimes we gotta get help. And that's the hardest thing for us as Gringos.

Gringos won. We don't talk to nobody. We don't even lift our hands in worship. You know, we ain't talking to nobody else. Are you serious? I'm gonna talk to somebody about why a man I need help with never.

Latinos all forget it. That's over. It's not even we don't cry. We don't all of us as men because we never seen how to actually be in a good relationship and and we've never seen anyone else get help. So how why am I gonna get help? Why?

Why would it be me? I already got the word. Of course you got the word, but sometimes you need help. It's okay to get help. But remember who's else is in the room. The holy spirit's in the room.

You can win you can win every point and still grieve the holy spirit on how you said it. Then I'm guilty. Rule four, fight to reconcile not to win. Again, if you win, you lost. If you win your point and I'll tell you, I believe I'm right about 99% of the time. I believe I'm right.

I believe I know more, And I'm American. She's Brazilian. I know more. I know. I believe. That's how but don't if I win the argument, I've lost.

It's a horrible day, a horrible month maybe. It's horrible. It's not worth it. It is not worth winning the point all the time. I'm not saying that we don't I'm just I'm joking, but look what the scripture says. It says, let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from put away from me.

Obviously, why is he writing this to the church? Because, obviously, the church in those days and even today had bitterness, they had wrath, they had anger and clamor and slander. So join the club. I bet you everyone in this room can identify with those words or all the words, and he says, put it away from you. It's talking to me. It's talking to you along with malice.

Be kind to one another. Be tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you. So again, he brings it all back to the relation we have with God and with Christ. Everything that we do, how we live, our marriage, our relationship should all be a reflection of what Christ has done for us. So when he says forgive and love and be kind, that's everything God has done for you. And because of what he's done for you, we do it for others.

And we do it for the ones that we get married to. We do it to the ones we're in relationship to. We do it to the world. They will know that you have been with God for the love you have for one another. They will know it. Imagine, we're trying to reach the world and we all hate each other in this room and they walk in.

That's why this god ain't real. But because of the love we have for one another, the world sees it. Oh, they're with god. There is a god. It's the same thing in our marriage and our relationships. And I know we're exhausted and tired, and I've been guilty of that.

I'm depressed. I'm lying. Mean, financially, we're down or whatever it might be. I've been through it. I've had to file bankruptcy. I've done investments that went horrible, and you're hoping they turn and they don't.

I mean, I've been in those things. It's horrible. And in those moments, you don't wanna talk. In those moments, you're trying to figure out as a man. In those moments, you don't wanna tell anybody. And then we just keep pushing people away, and then we're angry, and we're bitter, and we're upset with that problem, and then we bring it back, and we project it on everyone else around.

I've done it all. I know. I It's bad. It's bad. But fight to reconcile, not to win. Amen.

The goal of a fair fight is never to win, have a winner and a loser. The goal is two people who still love each other when it's over, that will still like each other when it's over. Amen. If you win the argument and lose the closeness, you didn't actually win anything. Now let's have whatever sushi you want, honey. It's good.

Because I just want let's have a good night. If you if you win the fight and lose your teammate, you lost. We had to we had to realize that as a team. If I was pointing the finger at the the guy bring bringing the ball down and was mad at him the whole time, and then he's mad at me the whole time, I need he needs me. I need him. We have to have each other.

Cause I'm a big guy, and I can't dribble with a bunch of people around me. I'm a big guy that goes down low and just gets the ball and turns and shoots. The other guy brings the ball down with all the fast players that can move fast, which I'm not fast. And so if he doesn't like me, then I don't like him, then he can't bring the ball down and give it to me because he don't like me. And then when I get the ball, I don't give it to him whenever I need him to run down to the other I mean, it's just all connected. And so we're teammates.

So these don't let it don't let it sleep over. Meaning, man, deal with the issues. Deal with them. Don't let them just pile up. Attack the problem, not the person. Remember who else is in the room.

The holy spirit's in the room. And fight to reconcile, not to win. So hear me, you can be undefeated in every argument and still lose the person. And we gotta in keeping score and track, stop keeping score. Some of us keep I mean I mean, again, love remembers doesn't remember the wrongs. You know what I mean?

It's like and I know we can all do it. Oh, you didn't do that last year. Oh, you it's like, wait a minute. Love covers a multitude of sins. Meaning, let's not keep score against each other. You're not we're not to be fighting each other.

I mean, at the end of the day, who wants that to happen in your marriage? Who wants you to fight? Who wants you divided? Who wants division in your house? Who wants you to be angry? Who's behind all that with all his demons in hell laughing?

I mean, when you get away from that situation that seems so ugh, at the moment and realize what the spirits behind it that are just, oh, they are so excited that my wife and I are disconnected for the week. They are so happy, and then all the things that we lose out on and all the things that we God might wanted to do in that moment, we miss out on it because we're so focused and distracted. Who do you think is behind all that? Who's the author of division and disunity and confusion and strife? Who wants you to be divorced? Who wants you guys to be fighting all the time?

Who's behind all that? You're not fighting your spouse. You're fighting for your marriage. For me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And as a wife and as a husband, we're gonna be submitted to the Lord. Amen.

Proverbs fifteen one says a soft answer. This is key. A soft answer. So there'll be answers. But a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. I've had to learn this really good with little girls, teenage girls.

There's a tone in a way if I say the same thing in one tone, in a harsh way versus a different tone. I still get the same result, but then I keep my relation with my kids versus I hurt them. The scripture says, fathers, don't provoke your kids to wrath or don't be harsh with them. I mean, the scripture says as husbands, hey, treat your wife as one as the weaker vessel as the weaker vessel, but she ain't weak. And don't be harsh to her. So look at this it's like, hey, when we talk to each other, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Right? So it's like, hey, could you help me clean up today? I'm really tired. Or hey. I want you to help me. Can't you see I'm cleaning?

I mean and then it goes from there. This is just not it's not gonna be good. Man, I'm hey, I wanna clean up the house. I need some help. Let's do it together. I'm I'm exhausted.

You're exhausted versus and then all that, the way you talk, the tone is everything. James one says, let every person be quick to hear and slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Be quick to hear, slow to speak. And I know guys, guys, we've never seen it. I never saw my dad. No.

Divorced at three. I don't know how. Never saw it. You know? And that's why I think it's important. The bible says bad company corrupts good character.

It's so important to get around good company and get all around other couples and and then and then just get in the word and learn and resource and and have conversations. Sometimes I go to a counselor here in the area, great guy, talk to him. I mean, years ago, I remember pastors never went to counselors. And then I was in one of the largest churches in South Florida, and the pastor said, hey. I go monthly out of prevention. It's like eight years ago.

I said, no way. One's ever said that out loud ever. It's okay to get help. If you need help, get it. It's good. Quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, church.

That's not a personality type. It's the decision you make in the first ten seconds of a hard conversation. It's very difficult. And so and a lot times you mess up and then you're like, alright. It's like there's always another Sunday. There's always another moment.

I'm I messed up in that moment. Well, okay. I'm gonna get better. How am I gonna get better? Next time, because there will be a next time. If you breathe and are alive, there will be another fight, there will be another argument, there will be another disagreement, but how am I gonna be different knowing the rules that the scripture gives right here.

And here's the truth under all of it. The enemy of your marriage was never the person across the table. The moment you start treating your spouse or your partner or your family member like the opponent, you've already lost the fight. It's not me versus you. It's us versus the problem. Hey, why don't we say that together?

It's not me versus you. It's not me versus you. It's us versus the problem. So you're not fighting your spouse. You're fighting for your marriage. Amen?

Understand? Now there's so much more. Maybe we'll just extend this series for like a year, but because there's so much more to say. I mean, I could talk all day. This is just like like one scripture with four sentences. So and there's so much, and and we're we're gonna get better.

All of us gotta get better. We're all gonna get better. We're all gonna grow. And I know it's hard, man. Oh, it's so hard. Oh, I wanna oh.

That's why you gotta go on walks, take deep breaths. And this is why husbands for me, the more I'm with God, the better. If I am not with the Lord, man, it is so much easier to get angry, to forget that the Holy Spirit's with me. I have to be constantly seeking him because when it comes to church, my kids, my wife, my family, all I mean, it affects everything. But the more I'm with him, the easier it is, the better it is. My wife probably could tell you when I'm not with the Lord.

Have you I can yeah. Been drinking out. Yeah. And you too. You too. And she's like, oh, I need to be with the Lord too.

Okay. Okay. Good. But you know, I don't even have to get there if I'm really it yeah. You too? Wow.

I'm in the Bible. Why aren't you in the Bible? Man, I'm getting up, but, you know, I know you gotta work and drive, but, you know right, honey? You know. So here's what we gotta do this week. What do we gotta do?

Write down the four rules, put them up somewhere on your fridge, your phone lock, maybe take a picture. I'm gonna send this out in our group so you can have it. The four rules. Right? When you get in a fight this week, because it's gonna happen probably. It might happen, like, in ten minutes from now.

When we go eat lunch, you might have it over on the way there. You know? Catch when you're in the fight, ask yourself, is it really about the topic or about control or being heard? You gotta ask yourselves, what is this really about? Is this about the dishes or is it about being heard or being controlled? Other rule, this week, don't let the sun go down on it.

I'd challenge you, say one honest or kind sentence before the day ends even if the issue isn't fully resolved. Sometimes, you know, we're in a fight, I'll be like, honey, I still I love you. And she might not even respond, but I'm gonna I'm gonna be the one that says, hey, I love you, honey. Or maybe I even apologize, and she's still so angry and she doesn't even say a word back. That's okay. Because in the end of day, love is not the way we're the God kind of love is not about what they do in return.

It's really just being like God. Right? Because if I love you only unless you return it the same way, then I really don't love you with the God kind of love. There's different loves like phileo and emotional love and all these other erotic love, all these but the true agape love of God being shed abroad in my heart that I'm giving out, the love is patient, love is kind oh, love is not kind only unless you're kind. Love is not patient only unless you're patient. Thank God that God's not like that with us, because there's many times I'm not kind or patient, and he's still kind and patient with me.

Amen. Thank God. That's why I'm here and worship God. That's why I get on my knees. That's why I tell he's so merciful. That's why when I worship, it's all about him.

Because in the end, we we realize it's what he's done as God, as the king, ruler of the universe, is unbelievably amazing that he's bestowed upon us and given towards us through his son Jesus. There's no one else in the world that's done what he's done. So say something nice before the end of the day, even if the issue isn't fully resolved. The next thing, next time you're tempted to attack the person, attack the problem instead. Practice the sentence, I feel blank when something happens instead of you always or you never. Say, I feel this way.

This is what I'm feeling right now. Instead of you always, you never. Ask yourself after every disagreement, did I fight to win or fight to reconcile? Right? And lastly, apologize for the how even when you're right about the what. Sometimes I apologize for my tone, not because of what I said was wrong.

It was for the way I said it. It's like, man, I because what I hey. We're it's about the way it came out when I was angry. It grieved the Holy Spirit. The end result of what I was angry about maybe is not wrong, but the way I distributed the message was wrong. If I kill you with my words because I was right, it's it's wrong.

So apologize for the how even when you're right about the what. And talk to each other, man. I mean, at the end of the day, the reason we got married, there's things that we saw. No one's perfect. We're all growing. But speak to each other in love, soft answer, calm.

Amen? Amen. Lord, we just thank you, Holy Spirit, today. Lord, all of us in this room are all at different places. We're all at different levels. And, we wanna go to the next level.

Holy Spirit, I know that things I was talking to you is because about today was because of my own life and the ways I need to get better and make adjustments. Holy Spirit, I pray right now that you make help us make these adjustments. Lord, we need you. Lord, as Moses said, without you, I can do nothing. Lord, without your holy spirit, we cannot live this Christian life. Lord, as we heard what Paul said to the church in Ephesians chapter four, Lord, these were things the church had back then.

Lord, this is still the same things we have today. And so, Lord, I ask for your grace. And maybe today while we're praying, Lord, forgive us. Lord, forgive me as a husband or as a pastor, as a leader, as a father. Lord, forgive me if I've grieved you, Holy Spirit.

If I quench the spirit in my home or in this church or in my family or in my marriage. And maybe today, you need to just tell the Lord. You just talk to him right now and just say, Lord, forgive me. Man, I messed up. I blew it.

I blew my lid. I did it wrong. And help me. Lord, I need you. Lord, we need you.

Lord, I I ask that you give us wisdom and grace. Lord, that you give us a heart to obey your word and to live this Christian life. And, we stand against the enemy of our souls, the one that wants to steal, kill, and destroy every marriage, every relation of this room. He wants he wants to push every button. He wants